trapped? or right where i wanna be.

ben crow tonight at challenge mentioned that college is a time of maximum freedom in a person’s life. especially for a single person. he talked about how we need to be teachable throughout our lives, even when (and especially when) we are teaching other people as well. this it was a good lesson… and it ties into a lot of what i’ve been thinking lately.

one thing i’ve noticed during nursing school is my negative attitude about the whole thing. i’ve spent a lot of time pondering why. i’ve noticed my fellow nursing students also struggling at times, or not liking a particular class, but overall having a good experience. then i look at me, and i’ve had very little positive to say about anything until this semester. i’ve come up with a couple reasons for this negative attitude, including the mass disorganization of the program, a few not-so-great professors, and the insane amounts of homework we’re given. i think all of those reasons are part of the issue. but the real reason i think that i’ve been hating school so much is i feel trapped. the disorganization, not-so-great professors, and insane amounts of homework are in the middle of hours spent in classrooms and clinicals, trying to find time to work, new experiences, being taken out of my comfort zone almost daily, learning from peoples’ lives- not just textbooks, grades that actually matter- fail a class and you can’t keep going… yadda yadda yadda. school doesn’t necessarily trap me… the stress traps me.

feeling trapped is a terrible feeling. feeling trapped by something that i’ve enjoyed most of my life is even worse.

while i hate feeling stupid when i don’t know what’s going on, i love to learn. even though i think a lot of the homework we’re assigned is just busywork and it frustrates me, i’ve always loved reading and writing. clinicals have thrown me into some really new and awkward situations, but i’ve realized more and more that i love people and taking care of them. eight straight hours of class last semester was brutal, but i love finding out how the body works and trying to improve it. i love having my outfit picked out for me every day [hehe]. i love my classmates. i love [most of] the new experiences i’ve gotten.

i guess what i’m saying is that i don’t want nursing school to ruin me. i want to remain teachable and keep my love of learning. at the beginning of this semester i made a conscious effort to be more positive toward school. it’s been easier to do so than i thought it would be. i’m thankful that this semester has not been as crazy [yet] as i thought it would be, thanks to a few feet of snow. i’m thankful that my family and friends haven’t kicked my stressed out self to the curb, and instead still work to cheer me up… even when i’m not easy to be around.

and now i’m going to get back to the paperwork i should have been doing instead of blogging. i may not be trapped but i’m not really free. 🙂

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