and in just such kansas heat we choose to play softball. against a team with big mouths and little humility. they wouldn’t swing unless the pitch was perfect and got mad at us when chose to be picky. they bad-mouthed their own team when someone messed up.

and in such kansas heat we sometimes make mistakes, which put us behind “a lot to a little” in the words of joel. “prolly not much of a chance,” says he, as we stood dripping from sweat in the outfield. the lead off batter of the second to last inning was one of their best, which didn’t help the situation any. as the batter swung and connected with the ball, i realized it was coming straight at me. and i did what any self-respecting outfielder who usually plays right field and hasn’t seen a ball in weeks would do, i ran in on it. causing it to go sailing above my head.

frustrating. to say the least. as is losing when it’s over a hundred degrees outside.

i could have caught it, too. if i’da just stayed where i was.

nic scooped it up. no wait. he missed it, too. but he recovered faster than i did, and sent a zinger towards third base. i turned around just in time to see the third baseman catch nic’s throw and tag out the runner. 1 down. i can’t remember how the next two batters went down, but they did. a 1-2-3 inning.

we started the next inning at the end of our batting order. dj, then me. dj walked, i got a base hit. then bryce walked, walking the girl behind him… and it continued. until micaela declares “we have to be up now!”

and we were. 15-11. we held them the bottom of that inning, too. and we won. a come from behind win! even in sunday afternoon softball it’s fun to play well and win. i was so excited i felt like running around like a crazy person. instead i came home to air conditioning and wrote a blog post.

what’s even funnier is the last time i redecorated i was hugely into k-state football. my bedspread/curtains are purple/khaki, and i hung k-state football pictures from the newspaper all over one wall. i used to have all sorts of k-state paraphernalia around, too. i’ve put most of that away, but the white wallpaper with the tiny pink rosebuds, and the k-state football pictures are still there. because they go so well together? surely not. add to that mental image my mom’s old sheets (which are yellow flowers), and the purple/khaki bedspread. as you can see, my room needs a complete makeover. i have already found a new bedspread, and have ideas for the walls… and if i’m going to do this right, i really need to remove the old wallpaper and paint. paint paint paint.

i just don’t know if i can do it. it would look so new and wonderful if i did, but it would lose something. i wonder how many makeovers a room can go through without changing the wallpaper. none, really, because it’s not a complete makeover without changing the walls.

i just don’t know if i can do it.

“wow, your drivers license looks like it’s been through a lot. what happened to it?”

i guess i was expecting a response like: “oh. i dunno.”

instead, i get this response (once again, may i remind you that i’m holding the license in my hand):

“yeah. i chew on it.” and then a little laugh.

gross?

weird.

though probably not the nastiest ID i’ve ever held in my hand. what a comforting thought.

this wifebeater wearing kid (ok, he was around 18) and his mom came to my window at work today.

“you called me at just the right time! i’d just finished my game!” says the kid, indicating he’d been playing on the cellphone in his hand. it was his mom’s.

we began processing their business in the office and the kid starts to tell me about some possible money he’s going to be getting soon. i didn’t bother to ask where from or anything like that.

his next line is: “you wanna go to dinner?”

“shut up!” says the mom.

trying to be nice i replied: “you’re too young for me.”

“age is all a mindset,” was his comeback.

“then no,” said i.

the whole time he was playing whatever game on his cellphone and his mom is continuing to tell him to shut up, while i’m just trying to get enough relative information out of them to finish up.

at this point he started going off on something about how he could get lost in my eyes but he was interrupted by the phone in his hand going off.

it was his girlfriend.

“love ya babe, gotta go,” he said.

guess he’s already taken? so confused.

found out later that i couldn’t have gone out with him anyway. my adopted big brother at work hadn’t gotten to meet/approve or disprove him. aww. too bad. maybe next time.

For me, it was a little surreal. I was spending the weekend downtown for Adventures in Character, a homeschool children’s program. As one of the stage leaders, I knew I would be tied up for a few days, so I’d said goodbye to Grandma on Tuesday night. About noon on Friday Chase came into the AIC area and told me that Grandma had passed away. It wasn’t a shock. We knew that it was coming. It was relief mixed with heartache. Now I know that she is completely at peace, sitting at the feet of Jesus. I am thankful for that. Watching the end of her life over the past few weeks, all I wanted was to take her pain away. Thankfully, Jesus has now done that.

Things are finally starting to sink in now. Going from an uplifting, exciting weekend like AIC to funeral planning isn’t exactly what I would have liked to do. Today, I’ve been singing AIC songs with Titus, and also planning music for the funeral. So strange.

I think my whole family has decided that 2 funerals in 6 months is too many. Yet, I wouldn’t have wanted to prolong my grandma’s life. She was ready.

Some of my favorite memories of Grandma (and Granddad too) are from a family vacation in North Carolina when I was ten years old. I had broken my foot and was in a cast, so I couldn’t participate in all of the activities. Instead, I got to spend a lot of time with my grandparents. Grandma and I refereed the “Family Olympics” (complete with the black and white striped shirts and whistles). And Granddad and I became videographers of the rest of the family tubing down a river.

More recently, in the past 6 months, I’ve had the pleasure of picking grandma up for church on Sunday mornings. Some of those mornings we had great conversations about her childhood –on the days her memory was better. I’ve also visited her several times and played her favorite hymns on the piano. She always has loved listening to her grandkids play and sing. Before her recent strokes she would sing along on the hymns she could remember.

I loved my grandma very much. I’m going to miss Granddad and Grandma a lot. I also know they were each 89 when they passed away, and had lived full and complete lives. Their legacy will continue on for generations to come. I’m thankful they are safely with our Heavenly Father.

the second stroke has caused her to not be able to control her left arm and the right side of her face. she also has lost most of her ability to swallow. she’s weak, and we don’t see much of a desire in her to fight. her husband of 67 years passed away six months ago. for a while she seemed willing to accept things, and make the best of her situation. now, she seems tired and ready to be done. she’s 89. she deserves to feel that way.

it tears at my heart to not be able to communicate with her. we have no way of knowing what she’s thinking. we do know that she still loves to hold our hand, and she doesn’t like to be alone. she reaches for us when we enter the room, and seems anxious when we leave. i’ve spent a lot of time lately praying for comfort for grandma, and wisdom for dad and his siblings in making decisions.

another situation that we’ve found ourselves in the middle of has to do with a precious baby we’ve been babysitting. details i can’t give, but i’ve also been lifting this little one before the throne of grace on a continual basis.

knowing that i have absolutely no control over either situation is so very difficult. but knowing that my God knows the very hair that falls from my head, and he will care for these loved ones, gives me a definite peace.

this afternoon, i rode my bike to the care home where grandma lives and sat by her side. sometimes i didn’t think she noticed i was there. but then she would reach out her hand for mine, and open her eyes and look at me, before drifting back to sleep. so i sat there, listening to her favorite Christian radio station, holding her hand, and watching her sleep. while sitting there the memory verse of the week came on the radio. i was amazed when i recognized it as my favorite verse of all time. what an incredible reminder that God was there with us. that God is here with us.

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

good song. especially because it’s written by a guy named darryl worley [who when i first heard about him i thought it was worley darryl]. going around with a name like that would be a non fantastical life experience in and of itself. trust me, i know. i come with the last name of hiebsch. which rhymes with sheepsh and not much else. which, as you may already know, isn’t a word.

not saying i mind. there’s pride to be had in being able to say the word “hiebsch,” much less being able to spell it. in fact, i love my last name. i’ve gotten to where i spell it “h-i-e-b-as-in-boy-s-c-h.” just like that. because otherwise who knows what kind of a spelling you’re going to get. well. really. spelling it goes something like this:

“h-i-e….i…e…yes, that’s right…h-i-e…no, e… yes…e-b-as-in-boy, yes, boy-s-c-h, no… no vowels near the end. lemme check. very good. hmmm, actually it would be good if you switched the ‘i’ and the ‘e.’ ahh yes. much better.”

or something like that. i remember seeing something of my sis-in-law tiffany’s with her last name on it not too long ago. i’m pretty sure it said “hipbsch”. and i thought four consonants in a row was a lot. don’t worry. they’ve been married a few years now and she’s come up with her own system of spelling her somewhat recently acquired last name. i hope it’s working for her so she can pass it on to any future sis-in-laws i may get. and hopefully i will. no pressure, brothers.

then… there’s always the pronunciation issue. i’ve gotten everything from “hips” to “hee-bish” to “hi-besh,” to “hiboski.”

really though. honestly. really and honestly. i’d be so bored if i had the last name of jones or johnson. you don’t even hafta spell those, at least more than once. unless, of course, you’re dealing with an especially spelling-challenged clerk. then it may become difficult. if your name is jones or johnson and i’m wrong about this, please feel free to correct me. but that’s beside the point.

the point is i have a weird last name. no. not even that is the point. the point is that life is what you make out of it. i know, i know, that point is a little bit far fetched… or is it?

one thing that i have to keep reminding myself of over and over and over and over again is that life is the here and now. oh yes, without hope for my future i couldn’t survive either. but deciding that *all* of my thoughts and desires and happiness are yet to come? that will in no way benefit me at all.

i get caught up in self-created dramas that make me feel like i just wanna crawl in a hole and hide. or the stress of school. or whatever my monumental crisis may be at the moment.

what makes each day a little better are crazy little things like my strange, german last name that no one can pronounce. and actually being able to see out of my car windshield when it’s raining thanks to new windshield wipers. and the God-given gifts like the sunshine that comes after a rain. the sun always brightens my day…

i’m thankful for afternoons like today’s, when i get to spend time talking with a wonderful friend [who is a huge encouragement in reminding me to be thankful and content no matter where i am], and we also were able to be productive. i’m thankful for my job, and also that it’s only part time so that i still can focus on school. i’m thankful that finals are almost here, which means summer break. i’m thankful for hugs and kisses from my niece and nephews. i’m thankful for the sweet little baby that has been gracing our house with her presence lately. i’m thankful for nursing school classmates who not only help me with careplans, they also listen to me ramble on my “i’m frustrated” days. and, among other things, i’m thankful for my not so common last name.

//you gotta hold on tight just enjoy the ride. get used to all this unpredictability. sounds like life – darryl worley//

one thing i’ve noticed during nursing school is my negative attitude about the whole thing. i’ve spent a lot of time pondering why. i’ve noticed my fellow nursing students also struggling at times, or not liking a particular class, but overall having a good experience. then i look at me, and i’ve had very little positive to say about anything until this semester. i’ve come up with a couple reasons for this negative attitude, including the mass disorganization of the program, a few not-so-great professors, and the insane amounts of homework we’re given. i think all of those reasons are part of the issue. but the real reason i think that i’ve been hating school so much is i feel trapped. the disorganization, not-so-great professors, and insane amounts of homework are in the middle of hours spent in classrooms and clinicals, trying to find time to work, new experiences, being taken out of my comfort zone almost daily, learning from peoples’ lives- not just textbooks, grades that actually matter- fail a class and you can’t keep going… yadda yadda yadda. school doesn’t necessarily trap me… the stress traps me.

feeling trapped is a terrible feeling. feeling trapped by something that i’ve enjoyed most of my life is even worse.

while i hate feeling stupid when i don’t know what’s going on, i love to learn. even though i think a lot of the homework we’re assigned is just busywork and it frustrates me, i’ve always loved reading and writing. clinicals have thrown me into some really new and awkward situations, but i’ve realized more and more that i love people and taking care of them. eight straight hours of class last semester was brutal, but i love finding out how the body works and trying to improve it. i love having my outfit picked out for me every day [hehe]. i love my classmates. i love [most of] the new experiences i’ve gotten.

i guess what i’m saying is that i don’t want nursing school to ruin me. i want to remain teachable and keep my love of learning. at the beginning of this semester i made a conscious effort to be more positive toward school. it’s been easier to do so than i thought it would be. i’m thankful that this semester has not been as crazy [yet] as i thought it would be, thanks to a few feet of snow. i’m thankful that my family and friends haven’t kicked my stressed out self to the curb, and instead still work to cheer me up… even when i’m not easy to be around.

and now i’m going to get back to the paperwork i should have been doing instead of blogging. i may not be trapped but i’m not really free.

november: birthday, car insurance rates go down, baby hiebsch #3. december: end of semester 2, christmas and christmas break. january: passion conference in atlanta, beginning of semester 3.

my little landmarks may not seem like big ones to you (besides of course Josiah’s entry into the world)… but looking forward to the small things, and then checking them off have helped me get through some diffifult moments.

february: colby home, new phone, one fourth done with semester 3. march: halfway point of the semester. april: 3/4 done. may: done with semester 3! august: the beginning of my last semester of school for a veeeeerrrryyyy looooooonnnng tiiiiiime.

right now i’m taking things one day at a time. oh sure, my health insurance runs out again in a few months and i probably should do laundry before friday when i need a clean pair of scrubs (is pair of scrubs correct? set of scrubs? when i need clean scrubs?)… point is. i’m living in today. but i’m oh so excitedly looking forward to december. and freedom.

where were you?

i was actually still in bed asleep. chase came upstairs and told me that a plane had hit the twin towers. my immediate reaction was that perhaps a small piper jet had accidentally crashed into a radio tower [or something like that]. when i realized the true terror of what had happened, i can remember being glued to the television, watching every update. i believe we were watching the news when the second plane hit.

when catastrophes occur you desire with all of your being to take them away. to go back to five minutes before and change what happened. but it’s too late. you can’t.

a lot has happened since then. ground zero is being rebuilt. many people, like myself, who were further removed from the situation have moved on with our daily lives and don’t think about 9/11 much. except when a pastor in florida decides to burn the quran, or there is controversy about a mosque trying to be built on ground zero.

today is different, though. it’s a day that i feel we should stop and remember. we should reminisce about where we were, how we felt. do you remember how unified the u.s. became after that day? do you remember how we loved and supported our troops, firefighters, police, rescue teams, anyone and everyone who was helping? ny mayor rudy giuliani became our hero. and those famous pictures of president bush speaking to the workers through a megaphone… who could ever forget?

i am definitely one who says don’t dwell on the past. don’t live in guilt, sadness, or fear. however, neither can we forget our nation’s history; the events that have made us who we are, and our country the way it is. take a second today to remember 9/11.